My mom is out of town, and my boyfriend has been caught up in school work so I've had the past few days completely to myself. I was laying in bed the other night thinking and I came to the realization that I'm not what i wanted to be. When I was a kid, I was always full of imagination. I wanted to be so many things and at times I thought I was. I wanted to be Sailor Moon, I wanted to fight evil for love and justice. Have all my friends with me, and a love. But everyone made fun of me for it, even the parents wouldn't want their kids hanging out with me. I couldn't understand why so I figured that it was because I was in wrong. I gave up on that at school and conformed to the child that I was "supposed" to be, that way I could make friends and keep them.
      At home though, I was able to be who ever I wanted with my siblings. With my brothers, we trained to be Pokemon Masters. We'd set up the back yard to be a Gym and would battle to when little stones we'd find in piles rocks. My sister and I always had this long going game where we'd be witches. We had a bunk bed so I would hang sheets from the top one to cover the bottom. That was our carriage that we would travel in. Since my sister couldn't read too well I'd always be the one reading books about magic and creatures. I would have lessons for my sister so she could learn about the magical world. Even when at my little cousin's house we would pretend to be the Russian princesses and play dolls and house for hours.
     The day came when life smacked me in the face and I couldn't be those things anymore. I had to grow up to help my mom out and be a big sister. I made friends with some girls at school and I began dating. I changed so much and I hadn't even noticed until one night. I was at my cousin's, I never saw her anymore because I didn't want to go over and play dolls or dress up anymore, my cousin, Haylei was really excited and thought that we'd be playing games all night. Instead I locked her out of a room and talked on the phone with my boyfriend. I told her I didn't want to play and that it was borinig. She was young and hurt because I wouldn't do that stuff with her anymore. When I came out of the room I could hear her crying from hers. My grandma was talking to her and trying to explain that I grew up and I wasn't going to play pretend anymore. My cousin cried and shouted about how she didn't want me to grow up, how she wanted me to be who I used to be.
      I felt bad but it didn't stop me. I'm 3 weeks away from graduation and everyone is asking me what I want to be. I have no clue, I have no idea who I want to be. I tried to think about what I wanted to be as a kid, but then it hit me. I don't want to be a psychologist or graphic designer. I wanted to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I wanted to save the world with my magic powers. I wanted to catch all the pokemon and digimon. I always liked to believe that there was something more for me out there, that I wasn't just another person, another girl going to the same school, with the same people, and the same everyday schedule. I wanted adventure. I wanted my imagination to be the real world and the world we're living in now to be the fake one that doesn't exist. Look where I am now. I'm in the world I hate, living the life I never wanted.

Mom can't afford the internet right now. I wish I wasn't such a looser and could get a frieken job! >.<  Wish me luck.

So I've been dating this guy, Eric, on and off for 2 years. We had never lasted more than 2 weeks. We started dating May 16th and we've been together since, which I'm REALLY happy about. Today was our 3-month and Eric took me to go see the new "Mummy" movie which I thought was pretty awesome. Came home, had some pizza and watched "Back to the Future Part 2." I had a really good time.
    I love Eric to death, he makes me so happy, just seeing him makes me smile. High school just wasn't the thing for him, he used to be so cold and everyone in the school (I'm NOT even exagerating) called him an asshole. But since he's graduated, he's changed so much. He really has become the person who I always knew was there. He's so loving, he'll give me anything, and even when I'm being a bitch he's still there for me. I love him so much! <3<3

School is coming soon, well Monday to be exact >.< Not looking forward to it, yet somehow excited o.O  I dunno, i hope, and am gonna *attempt* to get as much work as possible done tomorrow. I don't wanna go back to school saying I haven't done jack shit, not even draw which it seems I do more in the busy school year than my nothingless summers... hmmm. We shall see  >.>

Yesh, I have been gone, without internet too >.<  My grandma invited my sister and I to go to WV with her to pick up my cousins from my aunt. LONG ASS TRIP!!!! At a hotel now, on the way home. Have been sick all day, we had to keep pulling over so I didn't throw up in the car. Thank God for grocery bags -_-;  I wish I would have worked on some pictures but I've just been too busy, too tired, and too sick  xP  I saw by biological grandfather too for the first time in many years. When I said goodbye he said he was sorry for not keeping contact with us but because of my dad's suicide it's just been very hard on him. I felt SO bad. The first thing he had to say to us when we met was "My god they look like Joe" (my dad's name) After that he went and sat by himself. My mother, siblings, and well most my family hate him for the abuse he put my father, uncles, aunt, and grandma through when they were growing up. They blame James(grandpa) for my dad's death. I held a lot of grudge against that side of the family but through getting myself better I realize that you can't put someone's death on one person, especially if it was suicide. People feel bad and I had no right to treat anyone like crap because of my dad's death. My sister didn't even want to meet James but I told her that she had to find forgiveness in her heart and finally speak to my Grandpa James. He's been so nice these past 2 years, He's just now able to have the courage to even speak to us, let alone see us. He was very generous. He gave us $100 each to spend when we went to the mall. And was VERY welcoming to us when we went to visit..... Been very crazy trip. My sister, cousins and I have been riding the 4-wheeler when we went out to my grandpa's. Yesterday, things got out of hand and I thought I could go faster. I didn't slow down till I hit the hill. As we were backing up, we started tipping. I flattened out again. And thats when everything went to fast. My sister was pulling me off for some reason. And I hadn't seen that she had tried to get off. Next thing I know she was screaming her head off on the floor. I just caught a glimps of her under it and I panicked. I didn't want to hit the gear to drive it off her cuz I didn't know where her legs were under it and I didn't want to make it worse. All I could do was scream for help and try and pull it off her. I was SO scared, she was screaming like she was dying! My Uncle Jim quickly came and helped me get the 4 wheeler off Rachel. When I looked down she was just laying there still crying with mud all over her jeans and legs intact. No blood, thank God. My uncle carried her to the house as I started crying to my Aunt Annie and Grandpa James trying to tell them what happened even though they were across the yard watching us ride it. My aunt was very comforting which was a shock to me. They just told me it was an accident, that it wasn't my fault and it was ok. We went inside and my sister's leg and entire body was just fine. She had just pulled a muscle in her leg and that was it. It never even bruised and it's still fine today. But when I called my mom last night and told her what happened my mom screamed at me and blamed me and told me I was crazy and I did it on purpose! I hung up and that's when I realize that my to my mom nothing is ever an accident. That there is ALWAYS someone to blame. That's why I was so shocked when my Aunt and Grandpa and everyone told me it was ok and that it was an accident. I'm always used to taking the blame when my mom forces it on me. I don't understand why my mom yelled at me like that but being with my family out here, I realized that my mom puts so much pressure on me and makes me feel like shit a lot. I dunno if she means to or not but it really has affected me in the long run. *sigh* I dunno, haven't talked to my mom since I hung up.  She just upset me even more and made me feel even worse than I already did about the whole thing. I know now that it WAS an ACCIDENT. My mom has no right to make me feel like i did it on purpose. I don't know how I'm gonna face her when I get home, for the first time in a while, I'm actually really fighting with her :(  Long day ahead of me tomorrow, wish me luck. Oh yeah, my grandma has been letting me drive a bit while out here :D

School is getting closer and closer. I keep having dreams of going back and bad things are happening. I will have had my permit for a year on August 30th and I haven't drivin at all! My mom refuses to teach me, and when I find someone else who will my mom tells me flat out "NO." She kept coming up with excuses as to why I couldn't learn and after proving all of them wrong she finally tells me that I can't get my license until I find a job! I've BEEN TRYING to get a job and I've applied to over 20 places and have only gotten 2 frieken interviews! She's always bitching at me when I ask for a ride somewhere, telling me, "If you had your license by now you wouldn't have to worry about it. But I know that even if I got my permit at 15 I STILL would be sitting here begging for her to teach me. The worse part is that my grandparents gave me a car for my 17th birthday so I had one to practice in and eventually drive around in. My mom is now telling me that she's gonna sell it if I don't get my license and a job. WTF!!?? >:(  GAHHH!!!! I just  want a job so I can finally look at my mom and literally tell her "You can shut the fuck up now!"  Job searching starts this week cuz teens drop their jobs for the school year. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time around. The only good things that have happened is 1) I have the internet signal I steal off of back and 2) My boyfriend offered to teach me how to drive once he gets a car. Though, I'd have to wait till I turned 18 to get my license because then my mom CAN'T stop me!!!!!  Take THAT mother!! XD